If this is your first time on our page, please visit our Introduction page, Lesson 1, Lesson 2, and Lesson 3 first! Thank you for joining us!!
Learning Outcomes:
Trust
Building trust takes time.
Trust profiles
Commitment
How do I know?
The benefits of marriage
Introduction:
You've made it to lesson 4! In this, our final lesson, we will be covering two more elements from John Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model - trust and commitment. We hope that we can give you a better understanding of trust and its importance in relationships. Then we will talk about some tools you can use after getting to know someone, and learning that you can trust and rely on them, to decide if you are ready to commit. We hope through this lesson, to help you gain insights into these steps to finding and becoming so that you can have your own happily ever after!
Trust
The Foundation of Love: Building Trust in Your Relationship
Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. It's the feeling of safety and security that allows you to be vulnerable and open with your partner. But what exactly is trust, and how do you build it?
Here is an example of two brothers and the trust one has in the other.
In one study looking at percieved threats in dating couples, the authors found that when trust is a part of the foundation of their relationship, it is a major factor in the longevity of the relationship (Harris, Skogrand, & Hatch, 2008)
Trust: More Than Just Keeping Promises
Relationships expert John Van Epp expands on the traditional definition of trust. He argues that trust goes beyond keeping small promises, like a phone call after work. It's about knowing your partner will be there for you through thick and thin, a steady hand through life's challenges. Van Epp uses the metaphor of trust being the "soil" where your expectations can grow (2007).
Van Epp gives eight personal traits that exemplify a trustworthy partner.
Mature evidenced by the ability to delay gratification and put
someone else’s interest before one’s own.
Adaptable flexibility with changes
Responsible indicated by a track record of following through on various
promises and responsibilities.
activities
Insightful an ability and openness to see and understand oneself from
other perspectives
appropriate ways
Giving an enjoyment with making another happy
Emotionally stable normal ranges of emotion (i.e., few to no extreme moods
or mood shifts) and a receptivity to the emotions of others.
Take a moment to think of people that you trust and have these qualities. Use them as a lens to help you view your dating partner.
Building Trust Takes Time
Trusting someone creates a deep connection, but it also makes you vulnerable. That's why Van Epp suggests building trust gradually, after getting to know someone well. Rushing into trust can blind you to potential problems. The key is finding a balance: taking time to learn about your partner before building a strong foundation of trust (2007).
In the video clip below, relationship expert, John Gottman shares what it looks like to build trust and the importance of building it within your relationship.
Simon Sinek defines and teaches about building trust in a relationship.
First Impressions and Trust Profiles
Our initial impressions play a big role in how we view someone. We use stereotypes, past experiences, and even ideals to create a "trust profile" of our partner. As we get to know them better, we can fill in the gaps from that first impression and build trust based on real experiences. The Article, The Dating Mind, looks at several studies where each establishes the importance of establishing trust as you get to know your partner. This trust stabilizes the relationship (2012).
Healing the Past to Build a Trusted Future
Sometimes, past hurts can make it difficult to trust new partners. Van Epp suggests "cleaning up the corrupted files" in our emotional database (2007). This means acknowledging how past experiences might affect your current relationship and working through them to build trust with a clean slate.
In a study looking at perceived threats in dating couples, they found that if there was a past of infidelity it was hard for the couple to not have negative behaviors arise because of the lack of trust (Cousins, & Gangestad. 2007).
Building Trust Without Getting Burned
Finally, Van Epp warns against the dangers of idealizing a partner. Filling in the gaps in your trust profile with unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment. Building trust takes time and honesty, so focus on getting to know the real person you're with.
Commitment
Over the last 3.5 lessons, you’ve:
Learned how to look for a good partner and how to be a good partner, by taking the time to get to really see and know each other in a myriad of different situations.
Learned how to watch for inconsistencies in relationships with others and notice red flags. If you don’t see real change, you will reexamine the relationship, and potentially seek individual outside help to make those lasting changes.
Learned to examine your families of origin for patterns that you want to keep, and those you definitely don’t, along with coming up with plans on how to break negative patterns.
You’ve learned what compromise means and why it is important in relationships.
And you’ve learned about trust.
Are you feeling more equipped? We hope so!
The next natural question is “How do I know when I am ready to make the commitment?”
We asked a few married couples how they decided they were ready to commit and get married. This is what they said:
While you are reading these, think about our past lessons. Are there characteristics that stand out to you?
“I had qualifications for my wife predetermined and I found out that she met them all. Intelligent, had good ideals, fun to hang out with, has common interest, I knew she’d be a good mom, and very cute.” ~Married 1 year
“1) I felt safe talking to him about anything. He was/is honest and supportive. 2) Our goals are aligned. We talked about our long-term goals. I could see myself having a family and being happy with him. I knew he would take care of me. He is hardworking. 3) You become like the people you spend time with. I wanted to be like him in a lot of ways. I had been in relationships where I didn’t feel that way. He would make me a better person. 4) I felt I truly knew him. We had fights and knew how each other responded to that kind of stuff. We could apologize to each other and try to be better.” ~Married 2.5 years
“I felt like he was the full package. He was smart, funny, spiritual, social, athletic, worked hard, was cute, etc. I loved that he was so confident but not in a cocky way. I was not as confident so I loved how comfortable he felt with himself so it made me comfortable with him and more comfortable with myself.
But probably the thing that stood out to me the most was he was so nice. I felt like he knew a TON of people at school and everyone liked him. It sounds silly to say this as an adult, but he was pretty popular 😂 But the thing that stood out to me that he was friends with all kinds of people and really kind to people who weren’t ‘cool’. I love that about him and I wanted someone who was a genuinely kind person.” ~Married 26 years
“I was attracted to her and enjoyed being around her. She made me feel happy and special. She had the characteristics I was looking for in a wife. I wanted to be with her for eternity.” ~Married 29.5 years
“I’d dated enough to know within the first 15 minutes if there was anything there. He was worth getting to know – He intrigued me! We enjoyed being with each other! Having a long-distance relationship also, I found myself missing him. It was getting much harder to say ‘goodbye.’ Above all else, he made me laugh. He still does.” ~Married 29.5 years
Take a listen to this song and think about it’s message.
In this video from the Gottman Institute, they talk about what compatibility really means.
What were some of the attributes and feelings you noticed in those stories, song and video clip?
When you are ready to commit, you will commit through the good and the bad. You will choose this person and your relationship and be willing to put in the work to make each other happy and your marriage successful. You will hopefully not commit until you know the person, have established trust, and know you can rely on them.
In a study by April Wilson and Ted Huston from the University of Texas at Austin, they found that marriages had better chances of success when during dating each partner loved each other a similar amount, they both progressed towards feeling of marriage at a similar pace and their feelings towards each other were rooted in experiences they had together while dating (2013).
In “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk,” Van Epp says:
“Commitment is a persevering, unwavering devotion that even death itself cannot sway, a loyal determination to fulfill what one has promised, an ever present ‘we-ness' that sustains a union through the years. Commitment is both the pledge and the proof of true love… I believe the heart of commitment is an abiding spirit of belonging to each other. It is the feeling that, no matter where you are, you are at home with this partner. ‘I belong to you and you belong to me’” (2007, p 264-265).
If you are starting to feel these feelings for each other here are some questions to consider:
Do you both have a “we” attitude?
Are you good friends?
Do you like to share with each other? Or are you selfish?
Has the time and work been put in by both of you to work to change any inconsistencies or red flags?
What are some examples of your partner’s commitment to other people?
Is your partner loyal to those who depend on them?
Does your partner make other people a priority, especially when they have taken on some responsibility?
Do you BOTH put forth effort to make contact with each other while you are separated?
How do you both handle feelings of guilt when you have let each other down?
Do you both initiate apologies and resolutions?
Do you make sacrifices for each other?
Do you make each other a priority in your daily schedule?
Are you ready to make that person the most important person in your life, and they you
Well-Being
Did you know that studies have shown that married couples show the highest level of well-being over cohabitating, dating, or single peers (Kamp Dush & Amato, 2005). For a lot of us, that is our end goal. We don’t make the commitment of marriage with the thought that we will one day be unhappy or get a divorce. If we fully commit, being willing to sacrifice and work through the hard times together (that will come), we will have that long lasting happiness that comes from being in a committed, lasting marriage.
Take a look at this quick video from relationship expert, John Gottman, about the effects of being in a happy relationship:
We hope that you will put in the work that it takes to find and become a great partner and that you will feel more equipped with tools to create a happy marriage!
Thank you for completing our Finding and Becoming course! Please take a moment to complete our evaluation survey:
Bonus content:
Marriage advice to tuck in your back pocket:
“Choose your spouse every day.”
Make time for each other
“Love is a choice.”
Choose to love your partner even when they are annoying, getting on your nerves, etc. Work through those times in healthy ways.
“Do you ACT like you love them?”
Don’t forget to keep dating!
Do things to let them know you love them!
And some more advice from Dr. John Gottman about patterns in arguing that you can work on now to have a healthy and successful marriage:
References
Capture Your Flag. (2014). Simon Sinek on how to establish trust when building relationships. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQtKVtHb9co
Cousins, A. J., & Gangestad, S. W. (2007). Perceived threats of female infidelity, male proprietariness, and violence in college dating couples. Violence and Victims, 22(6), 651-68. doi:https://doi.org/10.1891/088667007782793156
Harris, V. W., Skogrand, L., & Hatch, D. (2008). Role of Friendship, Trust, and Love in Strong Latino Marriages. Marriage & Family Review, 44(4), 455–488. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494920802454041
John K. (2021). John K - ilym (Official Audio) ft. ROSIE [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/Wa8mzie7eOc?si=FWjtKRwM8dl3lWYL
Kamp Dush, C., Amato, P., (2005). Consequences of relationship status and quality for subjective well-being. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 22(5). 607-627. DOI: 10.1177/02654075056438.
Oesch, N., & Miklousic, I. (2012). The dating mind: Evolutionary
psychology and the emerging science of human courtship.
Evolutionary Psychology, 10(5), 899–909. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491201000511
Official Disney Pixar UK. (2020). Onward: Trust Bridge Clip. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MifkpysWjSk
The Gottman Institute. (2015). Does being in a happy relationship affect your health? |Dr. John Gottman [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUed6N_z4o0
The Gottman Institute. (2018). Four negative patterns that predict divorce (part 1) |Dr. John Gottman [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/LUOniBdgdiM?si=k8vwFZKwMDl1XXjs
The Gottman Institute. (2018). Four negative patterns that predict divorce (part 2) |Dr. John Gottman [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/11nDjWch78A?si=6nFtpCrs6G3Dm4SP
The Gottman Institute. (2023). What does compatibility really mean? The Gottman method relationship advice [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/Gu6taHa0qAE?si=MYqFNf67gLhioXNr
Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. McGraw Hill
Wilson, A., Huston, T., (2013). Share reality and grounded feelings during courtship: Do they matter for marital success?. Journal of Marriage and Family 75(June 2013). 681-696. DOI: 10.1111/jomf.12031
