Lesson 03: Family of Origin and Compromise

 If this is your first time on our page, please visit our Introduction page, Lesson 1, and Lesson 2 first!  Thank you for joining us!!

Learning Outcomes:

• Family of origin

• Identifying patterns from family of origin.  

• What patterns are keepers?

• What needs to change?

• Compromise

• Reframing compromise in Relationships

• Navigating differences with empathy

• The importance of compromise in long-term relationships

Introduction 

Welcome to lesson three!  First, we talked about not diving into a relationship, but wading in, and taking our time to get to know someone. Then we talked about how to find and how to become a great partner!  Building off of the last lesson, we will have two mini lessons this week.  Part A will be about families of origin and how they affect our future relationships, and Part B will be about compromise!

Part A: Family of Origin

The family systems we grow up in matter.  Many studies have shown that the family circumstances and dynamics we grow up with color our expectations, attitudes and behaviors in and towards our own adult romantic relationships (Bowen, 1978; Cui & Fincham, 2010; Ogan et al., 2023; Overbeek et al., 2007). It is important to be aware of the effects of our families as we are entering into relationships and looking for someone who might be a good match.  Ogan et al. conducted their study on the relationship between the family-of-origin’s conflict styles and its effect on current relationships and found that those functions, or dysfunctions, are very often carried over (2023).  This is why Van Epp (2007) says that “influences from family of origin should be discussed and explored as a couple before marriage.  Patterns you want to alter should be identified and worked on before you approach the wedding altar” (p. 163). Don’t worry though - We aren’t all doomed!  All families have some sort of dysfunction and things the next generation can improve upon, but as Vann Epp suggests, if we can identify those cycles, through time and many conversations, we can work to overcome them and create healthy patterns for our future family.  Renick, Blumburg, & Markman (1992) have also proposed that prevention (or identifying and making changes BEFORE marriage) is more successful in long-term marital happiness than engaging in therapy to correct these problems after marriage.

 

Going back to last week’s lesson on finding and becoming, we want to make sure that we explore our traditions and ways of being from our families that will carry into our future relationship.  It’s also important to get to know these things about those we are dating so that we are better equipped to decide what patterns to carry on and what needs to be changed.  Van Epp also says, “Do not assume that past dynamics will NOT recur unless you can see clear evidence of your partner’s insight and effort at changing them” (p. 168).   That goes for us as well.  Our family’s past dynamics will not change with us unless we recognize them and make a concerted effort to change them.

 

Ok!  Time for some video examples to get you thinking…

 

Video 1.  We all pick up on patterns of behavior from our parents.  In this one, notice what the son learns from his Dad – good and bad:

Take a minute to think about your own family growing up, and jot down your answers to these questions:  What are the patterns you’ve picked up from your family?  Are there any that you might need to work on to “become”? What are things that you want to make sure to continue?  It will be important to find someone who has those same values, or is open to adding them.

Video 2. We live in a country where there are many diverse cultures and traditions!  They can come from your cultural heritage, your religious upbringing, the neighborhood or area you grew up in, etc.   While you watch this video, consider how marrying into a family whose culture is different than yours might cause both some conflicts and might cause enrichment:

Take a minute to think about your family’s culture and jot down your answers.  What are things that are important to you to continue?  What are things you would be willing to give up or compromise on?  What about the person you might marry?  What are things from their culture(s) that line up with yours, or might be different?  Are there areas that you would want to discuss and compromise on before tying the knot?

 

Video 3.  Mama Mia shows how values can be carried through generations.  From the grandmother, to the mother, and then to the daughter – watch for their similarities and differences.

Yep.  It’s application time again!  Think now about the patterns in your family’s generations.  Are there patterns of divorce, or other ways of thinking that you want to break to ensure that you have the best chances possible at a long happy marriage?  What steps are you willing to take to make those changes? If you have a partner you are considering marrying, discuss this question with them as well.

 

In the book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind (2007) (by the way - we LOVE and highly recommend reading this book!!) Van Epp has some great lists of questions.  We recommend answering these questions yourself, and then finding out the answers from your partner. 

 

“Along the Way Find out About… Family Affection and Aggression

·  What was the mood or atmosphere in the home?

·  How was affection shown?

·  What made you feel special in the family?

·  Who were you close to in your family?

·  How did you know that you were loved by your mother (or other female caregiver)? Your father (or male caregiver)?

·  How were conflicts handled by your parents (or caregivers)?

·  What did you do when you were angry at your mother? At your father? At your siblings?

·  How did your mother and father handle their anger?” (p. 168)

 

“Along the Way Find Out About…Family Structures and Roles

·  Were your parents divorced?

·  If so, how old were you?  What was the divorce and the postdivorce adjustment like?

·  What was your mother (or your female caregiver) like as a wife? Your father (or male caregiver) as a husband?

·  What was your relationship like with your mother? With your father?

·  Who handled discipline?

·  How were the finances handled in the family?

·  Were there any addictions in the family?

·  What responsibilities did you have in the family?

·  How were things shared among family members?” (p. 177)

Link to slide presentation

Part B: Compromise in Relationships

• The word "compromise" can sometimes conjure negative feelings, like:

  • Giving up your wants and needs.

  • Letting someone else win.

  • Resentment, confusion, submission, or surrender.

  

Take a minute and jot down: What are some of your negative feelings about compromise?

In healthy relationships, compromise becomes a collaborative effort, not a battle. As couples navigate their differences, compromise is a key tool for building a strong foundation.

Here's a new perspective on compromise:

• Mutual understanding: Through respectful communication, you see things from your partner's perspective and learn to accommodate their needs.

• Maintaining individuality: Healthy compromise allows you to preserve your unique identities while fostering a shared journey.

• Shared sacrifice: Compromise involves giving and taking, not just one person making all the sacrifices.

Take a moment to read this marriage advice given in 1886.

I love the advice and know that for a relationship to endure there needs to be a lot of bending. 

Example: Balancing Dreams and Responsibilities

My husband and I, both students, faced the challenge of balancing our education with our financial needs. We communicated openly and decided on a temporary solution:

• I worked part-time while attending school part-time to contribute financially.

• We shared household responsibilities and meal preparation.

Later, as our family grew, we adapted again:

• I stayed home to care for our daughter while my husband pursued medical school.

• He received a military scholarship to support our family and his education.

• During this demanding period, I managed household chores, meals, and childcare.

The compromises we made brought balance to our lives. This dynamic process demonstrates mutual sacrifice, respectful communication, and good intentions for a shared future. 

Navigating Differences with Empathy

Compromise isn't always a perfect 50/50 split. Dr. John Gottman reminds us:

"Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams." (Lisitsa, 2020)

A Real-Life Thermostat Challenge

While my husband and I rarely experience major conflicts, our kids joke that our one-standing disagreement is about the thermostat setting.

• I naturally tend to feel warmer, and pay the bills so am mindful of what it costs to heat the house.

• My husband who is always cold, and having grown up in a colder household with a wood-burning stove, desires higher temperatures.

Initially, we both became stubborn in our stances. However, through understanding each other's perspectives and empathizing with our backgrounds, we found a compromise:

• We agreed to a slightly higher temperature than I preferred and utilized additional layers when necessary.

• We explored alternative heating solutions like zoned heating (he has been given some space heaters as gifts, haha) or programming thermostats for better comfort control.

The Importance of Compromise in Long-Term Relationships

Research by John Van Epp (2007), Rosenblatt & Rieks (1992), and Heim & Heim (2023) highlight the crucial role of compromise in healthy, lasting relationships.

• Sacrifice and compromise contribute to the enduring love desired in marriage.

• When couples cannot compromise, studies suggest long-term negative consequences.

• Take the time to understand any underlying issues including your partner's background and cultural upbringing.  

By understanding the different aspects of compromise and employing healthy communication strategies, couples can navigate differences and build fulfilling, lasting relationships.

What steps will you take to compromise next time there is conflict? Will you remember that your sacrifice is about your love?

We hope you see how finding and becoming is a process!  It takes TIME!  We need to figure out who we are, who the people we are dating really are, understand our families and how they affect our future families, and how to compromise and manage conflict!  Whew!  Our next lesson will talk about whether there is really a perfect person.  See you then!

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

 

Cui, M., & Fincham, F.D. (2010). The different effects of parental divorce and marital conflict on young adult romantic relationships.  Personal Relationships, 17(3), 331-343. https://doi.org/10/1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01279.x

 Heim, C., & Heim, C. (2023). “How did you stay together so long?” Relationship longevity, a cross‐generational qualitative study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(4), 781–801. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12656

Lisitsa, E. (2020, December 28). Manage conflict: The art of compromise. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-art-of-compromise/ 

Overbeek, G., Stattin, H., Vermulst, A., Ha, T., & Engels, R. C. M. E. (2007). Parent-child relationships, partner relationships, and emotional adjustment: A birth-to-maturity prospective study. Developmental Psychology, 43(2), 429-437.

 

Ogan, M., Monk, J., Thibodeau-Nielsen, R., Vennum, A., & Soloski, K. (2023). The role of emotional dysregulation in the association between family-of-origin conflict and romantic relationship maintenance. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2024(50), 28-44. DOI: 10.1111/jmft.12667.

Rosenblatt, P., & Rieks, S. (2009). No compromise: Couples dealing with issues for which they do not see a compromise. American Journal of Family Therapy, 37(3), 196–208. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926180802405554

 

Renick, M., Blumburg, S., Markman, H. (1992). The prevention and relationship enhancement program (PREP) An empirically based preventative intervention program for couples. Family Relations, 41(2), 141-147. https://doi.org/10.2307/584825

Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. McGraw Hill