Before beginning, please refer to the introduction post.
Learning Outcomes:
Diving in vs. Wading in
Using your head and your heart
Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch (Van Epp RAM model)
Diving in vs. Wading in
Using your head and your heart
Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch (Van Epp RAM model)
WELCOME!
Hi! This is Jeanette and Katie! We are both moms with adult kids right in the age range that are looking for their life companion. We know that finding and becoming “the right” person can feel daunting, intimidating, maybe even overwhelming! Or maybe you’ve never even thought about it, and just thought - “I’ll just know when it’s right!” 😍
Just in case you were wondering – This course isn’t just for 20 or 30 somethings, or even just for those who are looking to get married for the first time. It is our hope that the things learned over these 4 lessons will help anyone preparing for marriage, or those who love someone preparing for marriage, to feel better equipped to not just select a great partner, but also to BE a great partner!
This is Katie now. I know in my family, my mom and dad didn’t have the best marriage. My mom saw and ignored the red flags that were there when they were dating. Things escalated quickly and ended up with a “shotgun wedding”. After 30+ years, my mom finally said “enough,” and got a divorce.
I didn’t grow up with an example of what a good marriage looked like. It wasn’t modeled in my home. I looked to my friends' parents, couples at my church, and others to try to figure out “what does a good marriage look like?”
Now married to my husband of 25 years, we are working together to model to our children what a healthy marriage and being good partners to each other is. It’s not without its challenges, but for being two young kids who didn’t have healthy marriages modeled in either of our homes, we are figuring it out!
This course is important to me because not everyone has great role models, but also because I also know how I was when I was younger - I tended to “fall in love” WAY too fast, and I’ve also had plenty of family members and friends jump into relationships that never should have been. I want to help arm those looking for a strong, lasting marriage with the best tools possible for doing that. So, today’s lesson is all about wade in, don’t dive.
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Sarah and Chad were in the same chemistry class. They occasionally sat by each other and made small talk here and there. You could just TELL they were attracted to each other. Finally, towards the end of the semester, Chad asked Sarah out on a date - a movie and some froyo - yum!
Date day came. Chad, with his hair just right and his best outfit, picked Sarah up in his freshly cleaned Acura. Sarah looked gorgeous in her white top and jeans. They had a pleasant conversation in the car on the way to the movie, talking about their classes, and what their favorite movies were. The movie was good for about the first 30 minutes, when Chad turned to kiss Sarah. The rest of the movie was a blur. After the movie, the froyo was tasty, but it melted as the car windows steamed up - they had such chemistry!
A few months of dates followed that were much like the first - with more kissing than talking. Before they knew it, they were talking about their future life together. They made plans and were married a few months later.
After being married for 3 short months, they were on the verge of divorce. Sarah learned of Chad’s addiction, and Chad learned of Sarah’s extreme overspending and sharp temper. They both wondered where they had gone wrong!
Sarah and Chad had “fallen in love” and dove in before they ever got to really know each other. Their hearts and hormones were talking, but not their heads.
Samantha dated Matthew for about a year when they decided they were not right for each other. Charles was Matthew’s roommate and Samantha and Matthew's friend. They had spent a lot of time together in group settings and enjoyed each other's company. When Matthew had moved on to date another girl, Charles asked Matthew if he could ask Samantha out on a date.
Samantha was thrilled at the prospect of getting to know Charles on a different level and was looking forward to their date. Their first date was a success, and they enjoyed the group activity and were looking forward to getting to know each other better and continuing dating. Samantha was especially attracted to the fact that Charles was interested in what her dreams and future goals were. She appreciated that Charles was able to share and be more open than Matthew ever was able to.
Because of their past relationships, they decided to take it slow with their physical touch and affection. This created room for their relationship to grow and develop in different areas without being consumed or blinded by their hormones. They had developed the ability to rely on one another for support when stressed with school. They had a great sense of commitment and their goals and dreams started to be influenced by having each other in their lives.
Samantha and Charles spent their holiday breaks and summer break spending some quality time with their families. They both liked the way that they saw each other interact with their own families.
When Charles proposed marriage, Samantha wasn’t surprised as they had such great conversations about their future and what they wanted together. They already had seen each other in stressful situations and had learned how to navigate and communicate with each other helpfully through their dating relationship. Because of their many discussions about hard and heavy topics they felt comfortable and ready to move forward into the commitment of marriage. They both felt confident moving into their future because they had waded in nice and slow allowing a balanced and healthy base to their relationship.
Stop and think. Which one of these scenarios sounds more like you? Why?
Learning module
Head and Heart:
We are trained from the time we are little - Ariel, Snow White, and Cinderella all have their princes that they see once, fall instantly in love with and KNOW they are the one they are going to marry. The struggle to get to their Prince Charming ensues, and by the end of the movie, they meet, are married, and living “happily ever after” - which, we conveniently never see.
We also get examples from our own parents, siblings, and friends - we see them meet, fall in love, get married. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it’s a disaster! How can you know for sure that you are ready to get married, and that the person you think you are falling in love with will be compatible with you? How do you keep the hormones in check, so that you are thinking with your head and your heart?
Studies have shown that once we get physically close to someone, our brains decide that assessing their personality and character is not as needed. We will feel love and affection, despite not fully knowing them (Bartels &Zeki, 2004). Jumping into physical activity too soon with someone can cloud our judgment, and cause us to not see the whole person.
From our stories above, what was the difference between Sarah and Chad and Samantha and Charles? Come up with your answers and then scroll down...
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Sarah and Chad rushed into a physical relationship, causing their brains to not feel like they needed to investigate and get to know who the other person really was.
Chad and Samantha took their time, put being physical on the back burner and got to really know each other.
Let's do two more quick examples that most people are familiar with. Please forgive us for the ongoing Disney theme 😂.
Diving in: Anna and Hans
Wading in: Anna and Kristoff
Take a minute now and think about your relationships- Do you wade into physical relationships, i.e. take it slow? Or do you jump in head first? How do you think this has affected how well you get to know you previous or current partner(s)?
Don’t dive in! Allow yourselves time, space and situations to get to really KNOW each other first. Wade in and allow your head some time to evaluate properly, and make wise decisions.
RAM - Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch
John Van Epp (2007) created the Relationship Attachment Model to help people use the model as a tool to assess their relationships and see the different bonding components of love. There are five parts to the model: know, trust, rely, commit and touch.
Know - Knowledge of another individual will grow through quality time together and quality communication.
Trust - As you get to know someone, your ability to trust them increases. You are more willing to be vulnerable to show your true self and get to know more of their true self. The trust component is important in a bonding relationship so that you know you can move forward.
Rely - As you gain that trust you are then able to rely on the person to be there for you and meet your needs in the relationship.
Commit - The more you rely on someone, the better you are able to further your commitment with them.
Touch - Sexual touch and chemistry is last on the model
Time
Van Epp (2007, pg. 70) points out that it takes three months for patterns to be distinguishable in new relationships. Understanding what a person is like and knowing if it is something that will work in your desired relationship, especially after the chemical high of the newness of the relationship has time to level out, creates the space to continue to discover the dynamics you will be working with within the relationship.
Taking it slow and utilizing time to wade into the relationship helps you to see how a person interacts with others, including their family, which will share dynamics that will impact your relationship.
Watch this quick video and think about these questions- Do you think it's good to take it slow? Why? What makes it hard (or easy) to GO SLOW?
Investing time into the development of a relationship reveals patterns, characteristics, and behaviors that help you to know the person you are dating and becoming more committed to.
Getting to truly know your potential future spouse can be one of the most difficult, yet rewarding and important aspects of dating. Van Epp often states, “The good doesn’t always last, and the bad usually gets worse” (VanEpp, 2007, p 65). This is why it is so crucial to get to truly know your potential mate, in many different situations, before committing to them in the other dimensions more than you truly know them.
Getting to know someone takes plenty of time, in a lot of different situations. You need to see them with their friends, their family, out in public, alone, when they are stressed, when they are happy, etc, to really get a full picture of who you might be choosing to spend the rest of your life with.
Some important aspects to get to know are:
Do their values align with yours?
Do your goals align?
Are your perspectives on marriage and family the same?
Do they treat you and others with respect and kindness?
Do they forgive, and also seek forgiveness?
Are they the kind of person who will strive to become better and improve?
Or do they think they are fine just the way they are?
As you learn about your partner in many different situations, you will come to know how much you can trust and rely on them, and eventually, how much you can commit to them. It is quite silly to commit to someone that you don’t even really know. Wilson and Huston (2013) did a study that found that marital stability was much higher when couples took the time to mutual progress in their loving relationship during courtship.
Poll
Application/Invitation
This week, we want you to reflect on past relationships. Have you been a diver or a wader? If you are a diver, what causes you to be that way? What are steps you need to take to slow relationships down so you can get to REALLY know the person you are dating?
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References
Bartels, A., Zeki, S. (2004). The neural correlates of maternal and romantic love. NeuroImage, 21(2004), 1155-1166. doi:10.1016/jneuroimage.2003.11.003
Cui, M., Fincham, F., and Durtshci, J. (2010). The effect of parental divorce on young adults' romantic relationship dissolution: What makes a difference? Personal Relationships 18(2011), 410-426. DOI:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01306.x
Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. McGraw Hill
Wilson, A. C., & Huston, T. L. (2013). Shared reality and grounded feelings during courtship: Do they matter for marital success? Journal of Marriage & Family, 75(3), 681–696. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12031
