Before beginning this lesson, please refer to the introduction post and take our initial survey so that we can better understand our participants, their needs, and gauge the effectiveness of our course. And if you haven’t done Lesson 1 yet, check it out here!
Learning Outcomes:
Finding
Getting to know someone develops intimacy. Intimacy = Talk + Togetherness + Time
Time Exposes Patterns
Understanding Compatibility
Communication and Observation
Becoming
Healthy people make healthy choices - examining your personal behaviors
Change takes humility, a desire, introspection, and time
Make sure your own emotional needs are in a healthy range
Introduction
Many people dream of finding their perfect partner. They long for a deep connection and a sense of understanding with another person. While storybook romances are appealing, real-life relationships usually take time and effort to blossom. Instead of the whirlwind romance of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, think of examples like Tiana and Prince Naveen, Rapunzel and Flynn Rider, and Belle and the Beast. These couples built their connections through shared experiences, open communication, and learning to see the true beauty within each other.
This week, we'll be focusing on two key areas: finding and becoming.
Finding: We'll explore how to identify not only potential partners but also the skills you need to effectively build connections and assess if a relationship holds promise.
Becoming: We'll delve into self-discovery, helping you gain a clearer understanding of who you are, your values, and areas you might want to develop. This will equip you to attract someone who complements and aligns with your true self.
Building on our exploration of relationships from the last lesson, where we discussed using your head alongside your heart, taking time to get to know someone, and identifying patterns, we'll now delve deeper into finding the right person while also becoming your best self.
By reflecting on your past experiences and understanding your own approach to relationships, you can use the tools we'll provide to navigate the "wading" process effectively. This journey will equip you to find someone compatible and build a lasting connection.
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Hi everyone, Jeanette here! Following Katie's introduction last week, I thought I'd share a bit about myself and my journey.
For some of you familiar with me, my story might come as a surprise considering the topic we're discussing. I met my husband in a group setting while home for a few weeks between semesters at college. We went on one date, and while I felt a strong connection and that he was “the one”, I didn’t want to chase him.
Back then, long-distance communication involved calling cards and writing letters. We only exchanged a few letters while I was away, and upon returning home for winter break, we dated for a week before he proposed.
Sharing my story often comes with hesitation because, on paper, it sounds like it came from a storybook. My husband hadn't even met my dad before proposing, and our real courtship began after we married due to the distance during our engagement. We have been married for almost 28 years. We have been blessed.
I have known and seen too many relationships fail because they didn’t really know the person they had committed themselves to. One of our objectives in sharing this course is to help you identify red flags in a potential spouse and yourself so that you have the greatest chances of success.
Let’s explore some examples of just what we mean by finding and becoming.
Finding
Forget fairy tales - most of us won't meet our spouse in a tower, enchanted castle, or transformed as a frog. Fortunately, building a strong relationship often begins with shared experiences. Like three of my siblings, who met their partners through our sibling’s mutual friends, proximity and shared experiences can provide valuable insights into potential compatibility. Witnessing your loved ones interact with others allows you to observe their values and relationship dynamics in a candid setting.
Dating serves as the bridge between initial attraction and lasting love. It offers the space to nurture a connection, explore shared interests, and assess compatibility over time. By genuinely getting to know someone, you can discern if they align with your long-term aspirations and values. Remember, knowledge is your guiding light, just like Rapunzel's, illuminating the path toward a fulfilling partnership.
Becoming
There was a young, selfish prince. He had a terrible temper, and was unkind to those around him. Everything he did was to serve himself. He saw no problem with the way he treated others, and one day he was visited by an old beggar woman seeking shelter from a storm. He turned her away without a thought, and his life was forever changed.
Most of us are familiar with the story of Beauty and the Beast. The Beast no doubt was NO one’s prince charming! The thing is HE didn’t see it! He had to work to BECOME a healthy person to be in a meaningful relationship. He did that with the help of the one person close to him, Belle. She helped him to see his flaws, and he in turn worked on them until he genuinely overcame them, becoming her prince charming.
Learning module
Finding/Knowing
We often feel like we "know" someone after a few deep conversations or shared experiences. This is when bonds begin to form. However, true intimacy and understanding go deeper. John Van Epp (2007) proposes the "Know-Quo" equation to move beyond the initial "knowing feeling."
The Know-Quo Equation: Intimacy = Talk + Togetherness + Time
- Intimacy = Talk: Sharing personal thoughts and feelings through open communication. A note of caution, especially over virtual encounters, avoid oversharing. Utilize time to open up and share. Also avoid being too caution and sharing too little too late.
- Intimacy = Togetherness: Experiencing different activities and creating shared memories
- Intimacy = Time: Allowing sufficient time for conversations, experiences, and patterns to emerge.
Van Epp emphasizes the importance of three months to observe recurring patterns that influence long-term relationships.
In this clip, Peaceful Barb suggests 12 months.
Devon Frye talks about the importance of identifying patterns and flags in character in this clip.
What do you learn from these videos? Bottom line - it takes TIME to get to really know someone!
Some parents whose children were thinking about becoming engaged were discussing the different family rules parents had for getting to know a future spouse.
One said, “We tell our kids to date for 4 seasons and go on a road trip together. This allows time to get to know each other in a lot of different situations and a road trip gives plenty of time to talk (or not!) and get to know each other in potentially boring and stressful situations.”
Another said that they have their kids train for a marathon with their potential spouse! It takes A LOT of time to train for a marathon, and it is HARD. They said it gives plenty of time to talk and see how the other reacts to hard situations - do they push through, or give up?
Over time you can test your compatibility. How important is compatibility in the health of your relationship? Houts, Robins, & Huston (1996) did a study that showed the more compatible the couples were in courtship with leisure interests, role performance preference, and social preferences the more the couples ended up getting married. John Van Epp (2007) defines compatibility with these three dimensions:
Chemistry: The initial attraction and excitement.
Complementarity: How you balance and support each other's strengths and weaknesses.
Comparability: Shared values, interests, and goals that create a foundation for a lasting connection.
Communication and Observation are keys to deeper understanding. Effective communication builds intimacy by clarifying expectations and conflict resolution strategies. Observing someone's interactions with family, friends, and strangers offers valuable insight into their core values and likely behavior towards you.
Learning Activity: Take a minute and answer these questions for your current or past relationships? What patterns do you notice?
How do they react to help at different places - waiters/waitresses, checkers, etc?
How do they interact with their family?
What do their friends and family say about them? Does anything not jive with what you are seeing? If so, you may need to give it some more time to investigate.
How do you handle conflict or differences between the two of you? Do you work together and compromise? Does someone just concede everytime? Do you put it aside to avoid the conflict? Are names called or judgements made?
How do they handle stress or pressure?
Were they forthcoming with their struggles, weaknesses, or past?
Becoming
I think many of us have heard either “Healthy people make healthy choices” or conversely, “Hurt people hurt others.” This BECOMING section will hopefully cause you to reflect on any unhealthy habits or ways of being that you might have, as well as examine other parts of who you are and want to BECOME to be the best spouse possible.
It is SO easy to look at someone else and pick out their flaws or what they are doing “wrong” in situations. It’s not quite as easy to see those things in ourselves. Equally important as finding someone who will be a good partner, is to make sure YOU are good partner material yourself!
Think back on the Beast - he had some unhealthy habits that would have caused his spouse some serious discontent, should they not be resolved. The purpose of this section is not to say we need to be perfect, but we do need to be willing to try to change our harmful habits or ways. We don’t want to be giving those red flags!
A community leader once talked with young adults about the concept of BECOMING in regards to relationships. He said:
“As we visit with young adults all over the (world), often they will ask, ‘What are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?’ As though they have some checklist of, 'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.’ And I … say to them, ‘You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?’ The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in a companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things.
. . . You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.” (Bednar, D. 2009)
Learning Activity: Consider this in yourself.
What is your list for qualities you want in your future spouse? Yep! Stop right now and write it down! We can wait…… Do you want them to be kind, even-tempered, hard working, etc? Do you want someone who enjoys being around kids, loves cooking, likes snowboarding, is really easy to talk to? Do you want someone who is neat and tidy, enjoys being social, or is committed to attending church? Do you want someone who can stick to a budget and save for the future, someone who knows how to have fun? If so, do you have those qualities in yourself?
Step 1 - Humble yourself, and have the desire to prepare yourself to be the best possible partner ever to your future spouse.
Step 2 - Examine your past relationships - have you been too needy or demanding? Are you easily upset? Do you have a pattern of getting into relationships with the same (wrong) type of people (i.e. someone who is the COMPLETE opposite of you, someone who is recreating a previous unhealthy relationship)? Are you TOO trusting or TOO forgiving? If so, figure out why you act in these ways and what you need to do to become better. That may include seeking professional help, or engaging the help of a loved one to keep you accountable.
Step 3 - Ask a couple of trusted people in your life to help you pinpoint a couple of things that might be something you could work on.
Step 4 - Take some time this week, and ponder on two or three areas that you need to work on to BECOME the spouse your future companion deserves. Write down your list, and come up with a plan to work on your items. Be kind to yourself and be reasonable, and know that change or becoming, doesn’t happen overnight.
Have the desire and do the work to turn your red flags into green flags. Be like the Beast and make the necessary changes to BE the love of someone else’s life.
As John Van Epp (2007) said: Change is possible, but not without these four ingredients:
- Insight into yourself
New information
Motivation
Time
Application and Invitation
Finding and becoming can be challenging. It takes time and effort! We hope that this lesson helps you go into future relationship endeavors having become who you want to attract, and that your partner will be a suitable match. We hope that you will take the time to make sure there are no unhealthy patterns, and that you will work to build the intimacy that it will take to form a lasting relationship.
What are your goals after this lesson? Have you identified things in yourself to work on? Have you identified ways to truly get to know your potential future spouse?
References
Chapel, P. (2021). I see the light/ Tangled/ Disney Animated HD [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8a3K0HIKdA
Dew, S. (Host). (2009, April 7). Elder David A. Bednar and Sister Bednar (01) [Audio podcast episode]. In Conversations - A Mormon Channel Original. The Mormon Channel. http://radio.lds.org/eng/programs/conversations-episode-1
Disney Movies. (2015). Beauty and the beast - Something there [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/cMbZ8AHDmzw?si=P1bjDcVt3yDoRYSg
FanHub Emma Watson. (2018). The beast shouting at Emma Watson - Beauty and the beast [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/da17SBu8-Gg?si=FRtMcff4hlqzMud7
Houts, R. M., Robins, E., & Huston, T. L. (1996). Compatibility and the development of premarital relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 58(1), 7–20. https://doi.org/10.2307/353373
Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk: The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. McGraw Hill
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